The Collected Works of Alex Finkelstein and Clifton Boyd

As I was getting off the bus, a funny memory hit me. Back when I was in college, my girlfriend, now my wife, and I were at the local bar, giggling over a joke my friend had just told us. It was about two priests and a rabbi and it was incredibly funny. Anyway, my girlfriend had ordered me a drink, if I recall correctly it was called the “Alabama Slammer” or something in that name range. I had taken one sip of it, and spit it back out, my mouth contemplating the aftertaste. That really set her off. She was sitting there, slapping her knee and laughing so loud, everybody in the bar turned to look.
As I snapped backed to reality, I realized I was standing in the snow, two blocks from my apartment after I had gotten to the lobby of my brand spanking new apartment, I pulled out my key ring, a jumble of fobs and other keys that I, frankly, had no idea what door they would open. After I had found the right key, Istopped, remembering the dog. I slowly inserted the key, hesitating to turn it for a moment. I discreetly pushed in the door and snuck inside, inaudible to human or canine ear. But I could feel a sneeze coming on, and as soon as I had let it fly, here comes Oakley, hopping up and down like a spastic kangaroo, barking all the while. “Daddy’s home! Daddy, did you get me a present today?” my daughter asked, her puppy eyes gleaming in the light.
“No honey. Daddy didn’t go to the toy store today” and as soon as I said it she looked sad, making me wish I had picked up something on the way home.
          It was Friday, and that meant Jackie and I were going to a movie-without Sarah. I thought that we should take Sarah with us, despite the R rating. That babysitter that she found made me kind if uncomfortable. “Honey, I think that we should take Sarah with us, despite the R rating. That babysitter you found makes me kind of uncomfortable.” I said, without wasting more than one breath on the sentence. She made a strange face, and then agreed, with some hesitance.
          As we walked down the lobby, Sarah giggled with joy, as she always does whenever we go to the movies, regardless of which movie it is. I clumsily fingered through my key ring until I had found the key to my new minivan. I hopped in the car, and with some effort, started the engine. Jackie snapped Sarah into her new car seat. After she had hopped back into the car, I put the car in first gear and we were off.
          Now, as you may not know, driving with my daughter is like hell delivered to your door in a straw basket. She asked about every single thing she passed. Everything. “Daddy, is that a real dog?” she asks.
“No honey, It’s only a statue”
“How come there are boys working at dairy queen?”
“I have no idea, some kind of loophole in the contract I guess”
“What’s Hooters?”
“That is a restaurant that I hope you never work at”
“How come?”
“Because the burgers are nasty. Don’t ask anybody else. Ever.”
“Daddy can I-”
“No more questions, honey”
I looked over at my wife, and she gave me a this-was-your-idea-not-mine-we-could’ve-gotten-a-babysitter look. I ignored it and put in the baby genius CD that we bought.
“OOH! Beethoven’s Ninth” she screamed in happiness.
Now I ask you, what kind of child likes Beethoven’s ninth? If my mom gave me a choice between listening to Beethoven and to cut off my fingers, I would have demanded the paring knife immediately.
          When we arrived at the movie theatre I walked up to the E-ticket machine and picked up my tickets that I had ordered off fandango, plus one child. How are we supposed to explain having a 5 year old in Matchstick men? Luckily, they had babysitting at the movie theatre, but I was reluctant to get rid of her ticket so I gave it to the next family that passed. Jackie and I walked toward theatre 7, and a tall man with a red vest stopped us and asked us for our tickets. We obliged and he pointed us in the direction of theatre 7, even though that was the theatre we always went to, and we knew the route by heart.
          As we walked into the theatre, we noticed that the only seats left in the whole theatre were the ones way in front, so we reluctantly took them. We watched the movie, talking to each other in loud voices to annoy the other people like we always did. After the movie, I could barley bend my neck, I had been looking directly up at the screen the whole time.  We went to check out Sarah and then walked out to the car, walking with the flow of people coming from our showing. “Honey, do you want to go to Bailey’s and get a drink?” I asked. “Of course!” she replied.
          I walked into the bar, rolling the stroller along with me. I decided to go with a new drink today. I probed the menu, and my eyes fell upon an Alabama slammer. He handed me the drink, and my wife started giggling, remembering the night at the college bar. But she wouldn’t be laughing soon, because this time, I was ready for the taste